I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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