I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
