I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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