I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
