There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
