hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
