I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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