I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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