got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
