thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
