I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
