there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
