I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You ate ashes out of my bong
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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