i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
