Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
