Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
