I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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