I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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