I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
