I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
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