a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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