My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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