Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My vagina is officially offended.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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