Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
