I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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