More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
