Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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