Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
