I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
