True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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