I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize