As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
