Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
