I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
where are you?
Hypothermia
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
