my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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