ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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