He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
