Life is so much better after having sex.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
