man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
