i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
