I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
