Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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