Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize