the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
