Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
