Don't EVER smell your tampon
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
