So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
