I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Pooping to opera.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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