It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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