the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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