I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
FUCK WHALES
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
