There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
