When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just want to make out with him forever
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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