I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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