My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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