I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
my poor anus
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
