and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
