I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
