After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
