I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
