Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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