How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
