where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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