It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
