theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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