my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
