He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
