Will you blow on my dice?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
