Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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