I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
