I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
